My own semi-permanent laminated list...

In her post dated Wednesday, November 5th, my wickedly funny, ruthlessly honest friend, Miss Leigh Naturkach discussed her semi-permanent laminated list of fake boyfriends (a link to her blog is posted on the right of this page).  Now, my post today actually has nothing to do with said topic, but on a recent outing on the subway, her post kept popping into my head.  

As I was riding on the subway last week, I looked around, people watching (my favourite activity) and then my eyes saw it.  I couldn't believe it and spent the next 6 stops transfixed on this hideous monstrosity.  It was what I like to call 'the train wreck effect' - you know you should be repulsed and avert your eyes, yet somehow you just can't bring yourself to look away... a compulsion to stare overwhelms your entire being.  A man, let's call him Rico, Rico Suave, for the sake of this blog, was wearing one of the most atrociously obvious toupees I have ever seen!  As I got to thinking, I realized that I had seen several bad toupees over the course of the last week. A plague had surreptitiously taken over our fair city under my very nose.  You know the toupees I am talking about, the ones that don't match the person's natural hair colour, or those that are obviously on backwards...

I sat there, slack-jawed and dumbfounded. How did this man not know that toupees weren't cool.  Especially bad ones. Did he not get the memo?  Bald is in.  Think of it as hardwood - nobody is doing carpet anymore!  If you want to hold onto your youth, try investing in some funky running shoes, or drinking diet pepsi - the ads say it works.  This is where Leigh's blog kept popping into my head.  I am officially sending out my own semi-permanent laminated list of things that are not acceptable practices in the year 2008.   Semi-permanent because I reserve the right to add to/change the list as I see fit.  Bad toupees are number one on my list.  Here are the rest of the offenders....

2. Mustaches - Now, I have nothing against facial hair in the least - quite frankly, I am jealous of anyone that can grow a beard as all I can muster is a bad 14 year-old's goatee - but on the whole, I have to say, mustaches alone on the face are just creepy.  Face it.  If you are sporting a mustache and no other facial hair you are 1 of 2 things.  1.  You are a 70's porn actor or 2. you are lurking in someone's bushes somewhere (if you get my drift).  Creepy. Don't do it.

3. Socks with Sandals... WTF people?  How, and for the love of god, why, are people still committing this offense?  I am going to let the pictures speak for themselves.... 

Ok - so one word comes to mind.... boobs - all of them.

4. The Mullet.  I know it tried to resurface a couple of years back under the name 'the brazilian' or something equally as ridiculous. Still not cool.  Business in the front, party in the back is never a good look.....NEVER. 

This picture brings me to my next NEVER GOOD.... 5. The Speedo.  As far as I am concerned speedos should only be handed out on the deck of an Olympic swimming event, and are to be collected IMMEDIATELY following said event.

6. The comb-over and 7. his cousin, the bald-long....  As for the comb over... come on guys... you ain't foolin' nobody....as a side note: Have you seen yourselves in a wind storm? 

The bald-long is just as bad.  Just because you are thinning on top, does not mean that you have to prove to people that you can, in fact, grow hair.  You are no less of a man without hair.  I do give you props mr. bald-long however, for not going the way of your backwoods cousin and attempting the comb-over.  Points for that.  But, with the bald-long, quite frankly, one would fully expect you to be crouching beside mustache wearing man in the bushes....hate to break it to you... 

Now, perhaps it is just me that has a morbid fascination with all of these things, but I feel I speak for a majority of people when I send out this semi-permanent laminated list to my fellow men out there.  Please read the memo.  We are just trying to help a brother out. 

Looking back at my list I realize that it is very 'hair-centric'.  Perhaps this is because, yes, I too am thinning on top and will one day no doubt be sporting 'the monk look' as I call it (hair all round, bald in the middle).  I vow to go bald with pride and class.  The key to balding gracefully is keeping the hair short and clean cut.  It is much sexier really.... and if I do have a hard time coming to terms with my hair loss, I will just tell people that I am not losing my hair, I am simply, over the course of years, slowly converting to Judaism.