If you are like me (and I commiserate if you are), the holidays left you with that ‘not so fresh feeling.’ When all I could smell was eggnog seeping from my pores and all I could feel was gravy chugging like a slug through my veins, I knew it was time to do something.
I was doing so well when I came back from Asia. Climbing mountains, playing v-ball on the beach and screaming and running from deranged, cantankerous monkeys can really get a guy in shape. 
Truth be told, it also helped that China was the ‘land of no cheese’ and had the worst desserts on the planet. Could that have something to do with it?...hmph, go figure.
Following the holidays, however, I just felt gross. Not being able to jog regularly due to the weather, coupled with stuffing my gullet with mouthwatering, lard and sugar laden delicacies really got to me, leaving me sluggish and irregular.
Seeing as my Mandarin is not up to snuff, relocating East, way East, was out of the question. So, I decided to do a detox to get the toxins out and get my insides working again. I had never done one before, so I thought I would give it a go. Heck, that Gandhi fellow seemed to know what he was doing, and was always so much calmer than I could ever aspire to be. “Why not?” I said to myself. I am always up for trying something new, and if it didn’t work out, at least it would make for some good blogs.
After days of researching (it always amazes me as to what people will post on the Worldwide Web – I mean, do I need PHOTOS of your bowel movements? Weren’t your descriptions enough?), I decided to go with “The Master Cleanse”.
“ooooohhhhh! You are doing the Beyoncé diet! You will look fabulous and waste away to nothing! People drop like 20 pounds in 14 days on that thing”, said my sister-in-law, Lucy.
“It is NOT the Beyoncé diet! It is the Master Cleanse, and has been around since 1941 when Stanley Burroughs created it. And, it is strictly to detoxify my system. Many people have done it, including friends of mine, for your information….” I retorted, trying desperately to hide my defensiveness.
“OK, OK, we’ll call it ‘The Hollywood Cleanse.’ Don’t get testy.”
“It is the MASTER CLEANSE! I spat back. Then I disowned her.
She is dead to me (Not really, poetic license people).
My reasons for doing this cleanse are threefold:
1. To detox – get years of bad crap (literally) out of my system.
2. To try to kick my insane caffeine dependence (we are talking 5+ larges a day). But most of all,
3. To conduct a social experiment.
I am in NO WAY doing this to lose weight. If I happen to – great. Bonus. But I did my research and this does not promote weight loss in the long term. The weight you do lose is water weight and you gain it all back in a week or so. I was way more interested when starting out, to see what effects this would have on me during the cleanse, how I would feel post-cleanse, and more importantly, what random acts of violence I would perform on the unknowing masses of humanity around me once I was sans caffeine. In NO WAY am I condoning this as a practice, I am not a medical doctor people.
To be honest, it really was something to do to give me an excuse to stay in and not go out with friends as my credit card is literally frozen in a block of ice at the moment (I am also trying to curb spending after a wonderfully expensive holiday season). It has worked so far.
So you may be saying to yourself: “self, if this cleanse was supposed to make for some good blogs, why hasn’t John written any in a week?” To you I reply: I have held off posting because 1. I have been crazy busy the last couple of weeks; 2. I wanted to see if I would actually stick to it before making grandiose proclamations in a public forum; and 3. I did not want my family to know what I was doing until there was no turning back. They would undoubtedly call me crazy, and my mom would want me to seek counseling for ‘man’orexia for sure. I could hear it now… “you don’t need to lose weight!”, “mom, I am NOT DOING THIS TO LOSE WEIGHT…I am detoxifying!” They wouldn’t get behind my ‘social experiment’ the way that I knew I could.
After having not eaten in 9 days, I can officially claim to fully be entrenched in this thing. There is no turning back now!
So here is the rundown of the 14 day, Master Cleanse:
Day before cleanse: John empties out all food from his cupboards, leaving NOTHING edible in his house except for a rotting onion and a bottle of barbeque sauce.
Day 1: Eat nothing but steamed veggies and drink nothing but water.
Day one was by far the worst day of my ENTIRE LIFE! I mean, I had psyched myself up for the caffeine withdrawal, but good lord above, it was EXCRUTIATING.
I have seen Trainspotting, but I am SURE that what I went through was way worse. My head was pounding so much that I wanted to rip my eyes out to get to the source of the pain. I was so bad at work that my colleagues started an office pool as to when I would crack (I stand to gain $15!), and my colleague Jordana had to stop me as I tried to lunge at a man carrying two Starbucks coffees on our lunchtime walk. The day ended with me having a bit of a breakdown at my local grocery store when I discovered they were out of cayenne pepper (one of the main ingredients, which will be discussed later), and only thanks to my friend Amy who listened to me scream at her on the phone for 20 minutes straight in utter defeat and despair, was I able to cope.
I then went home to cook my last installment of veggies. I was feeling so headachy and nauseous, that when I steamed the last batch the smell made me instantly dry heave. No more veggies for me. I had to dump the whole thing in my composter, and when I could still smell them, the bag was put in my freezer and not removed until garbage day. I thought I was going to die.
Day 2: Drink nothing but organic, fresh squeezed juices.
Seeing as I live in the granola cruncher mecca of Toronto, this was easy to do. I went up to my local organic juice bar and got a variety of juices to excite my palate. Juice day was MUCH easier. And, on a side note, my nausea was gone and my headache downgraded to a dull throb. Nice. Now if I only had a bit more energy. As a side note: John gives his unopened tub of Haagen- Dazs coffee ice cream to his landlady as a precaution...
Days 3-12: Drink nothing but ‘Lemonade’ (A concoction of freshly squeezed lemon juice,
maple syrup, cayenne pepper and hot or cold water)
I have to say that I don’t mind the lemon drink. The Lemon is supposed to get rid of all of the bad stuff attached to your colon and draw out toxins from your body and the cayenne helps move it through your system. You supposedly get all the nutrients you need from the maple syrup…go figure. See, your parents were wrong when they told you sugar wasn’t good for you. I am now on day 10 (8 days of nothing but ‘lemonade’) – here are some of the highlights from the last 8 days:
Day 3: John’s tongue rebels. 
Think when you have ‘sick tongue’ and multiply that gross pasty whiteness by 100! Note: Brushing your tongue repeatedly won’t get rid of it. These are toxins coming out of your system. On a side note: John has taken to walking to Café Crepe on his lunch, standing in the street and inhaling the wonderful smell of sugar and crepey goodness that they pump into the air.
Day 4: A day of interesting observations.
• John no longer craves caffeine and the smell of fresh brewing coffee in the office has no effect.
• John’s friend Erin decides to start the cleanse herself.
• John has way more energy, but has developed a strange sleeping pattern: In bed by 8, read till 9, sleep till 3am, read till 5am, sleep till 7am – repeat. But I feel great throughout the day.
Day 6: John experiences his first ‘Saline Rinse’
It is not pretty people. Seeing as you are not ingesting any fiber, the saline rinse gets things moving through your body. You drink a litre of salt water (it took me an hour!), and because salt water is the same density as blood, nothing gets absorbed into the body – it just goes right through you! Here is the best hint that I am glad I read BEFORE doing it: DO NOT leave your house for 2 hours after…and if you think you need to pass gas, you are WRONG! Sit down on the toilet before ‘Passing gas’ – you will REGRET IT! On a side note: Sally is the first to lose in the office pool!
Day 7: John becomes a superhero. 
It is so weird, but my sense of smell is hyper-sensitive. I can step onto a streetcar and tell you exactly what the man sitting 7 rows back on the left is eating…it’s a quarter pounder with cheese and fries. A week ago I would have gone for his jugular, today, he lives to see another day…not tempted in the least. On a side note: I weigh myself at the halfway point – I have lost between 9 and 10 pounds.
Day 8: A death in the family.
Erin calls John and admits defeat. It was too much for her, she was too grumpy and did not feel good. She breaks down and eats. John is a bit shocked as she is a triathlete and he is feeling better than ever – and is a little bit proud of himself. On a side note: John’s face has cleared up.
Day 9: John confronts his worst enemy…Boredom!
I have to say that I am quite shocked as to how easy this cleanse has been for me (besides the first two, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, days). My worst enemy has been the sheer monotony of the thing. I have even started formulating a cookbook in my head for this cleanse. I figure that if you freeze the lemon concoction, you could then scrape it with a fork and make it into an almost sorbet… then you could put it in a bowl and eat it with an actual utensil! I have also taken to having my drinks hot in the mornings and evenings, but prefer cold at lunch and in the middle of the day – the drink is heavier and somehow, more substantial. It’s the little things people – in that respect, I get no greater joy in life than when I lick the maple syrup spoon…truly, one of life’s little pleasures. On a side note: Jordana is the second to meet her demise in the office pool. I am gonna win this sucker! Papa needs a new pair of ($15) shoes!
Day 10: (Today) – Same ol’ same ol’
I am now just in a routine with two more days of ‘lemonade’ and then a day of juice and a day of veggies. This process so far has helped me realize that I, in fact, do not need caffeine to function (but still can’t wait until that first, glorious, gift from Juan Valdez); has given me more long term energy than I ever thought possible – no more mid-day lulls for me; has made me much more aware of what is going on with my body; and (this one is coming from those around me), has made me calmer and more even keeled in some respects... I am still not sure if I would recommend it to anyone, jury is still out. I am not sure the results warrant the arduous journey, but I am going to reserve my judgment…I mean, I haven’t even had that one huge, life changing bowel movement that I have heard so much about… maybe I am just not as full of shit as I thought I was, who knows? What I do know is that there are some interesting facts and figures I have come up with regarding this process. Here they are:
• By the end of the 14 days, I will have squeezed the juice out of over 70 lemons, 140 lemon halves
• Consumed almost 2 litres of maple syrup
• Visited Loblaws 4 times in search of cayenne pepper (only had one breakdown)
• I will have drank 30 litres of lemon drink
• 20 litres of good ol’ H2O
• 8 litres of organic juices
• 5 litres of salt water
• I will have ingested 63 litres of liquid total
• Will have created the most amazing grocery list known to man
(I will have not committed any murders or random acts of violence! Good on me!)
With only two days left of Lemon Drink and 4 days total, I think I have this thing beat. Susan is the last woman standing in the office pool and she goes down tomorrow…From the vantage point of social experiment, I have enjoyed it – I actually reacted completely opposite than I would have thought, becoming calm and fine with things – not jittery or overly spastic (yet still sufficiently spastic – I have not lost the essence of ‘john’). Jordana is now calling me a freak of nature because of how I have comported myself through this whole thing – pulling it off with ease and grace…. I do know two things, however, 1. I want me a freakin’ bacon cheeseburger and 2. I won’t be buying lemons anytime soon!
I will keep you posted on my final musings and outcomes.
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