Yup... I said it... shame on me....

I couldn’t believe the words as they spewed forth from my mouth. I was shocked, and yes, appalled…yet there was nothing I could do to stop them. Looking back, I don’t even know how or when I learned such perverse, nonsensical drivel. My indoctrination was slow and complete in its nature. Each newly acquired word leading to the next.. gateway words really. I was so taken aback with what I said to the poor young man behind the counter that I bowed my head in shame, apologized and repeated it just so he could make sense of such an abomination and hopefully remove the distressed look on his face: “I would like a Double-Tall-half-sweet-non-fat-vanilla-latte-extra-hot.” Good Lord, it is painful just to write it all out and relive the madness. When did I become so crazy and demanding? Whatever happened to ordering a regular cup-a-joe? I don’t know what I was more ashamed of; the fact that I ordered a drink that sounded like something from my OAC chem exam, or the fact that I could justify every single word in that drink and why I was ordering the way I was.




For those of you lucky enough not to have a clue as to what language I am speaking, let me fill you in. This is what I have deemed ‘Starbucks-speak’ or ‘Starbuckese’. It, for me, has truly become one of the oddest cultural milieus in North America, soon to be the world. Starbucks is not only its own brand and empire, it is its own world and there are definite unique modes of comportment, etiquette, and even language associated with it.

Let me break it down now – a coffee re-mix if you will. What I actually ordered is the following: A vanilla latte with an extra shot of espresso made with non-fat milk and half of the vanilla flavouring made extra hot. Yes, I have a specific reasoning and methodology for why I do what I do, but I will get to that later. First, I feel it necessary to tell you how all this happened, seeing as my first Starbucks experience in the big city 5 years ago ended with a lecture and me ranting to a store manager that I vowed never to order from their establishment again (luckily due to semantics, I was able to never order from that particular store again, but could still order from the chain with a clear conscience).

You see here is how it all first went down… Picture it: June five years ago. It is hot and me and my girly arms are moving into my first apartment in the big city of Toronto. I am excited, half manic and half delirious from the heat and the move. I decide that I want something cold, but definitely need caffeine to keep me going. On the corner where I was living there was my tried and true Tim Horton’s facing a Starbucks. I would normally go to Tim’s, no doubt in my mind, but I was not wanting an ice cap. I wanted something different…so I decided to head into the Starbucks.

I looked at the large menu of cold-drink options and was perplexed. I thought I would wing this one. How hard could it be? I walked confidently up to the counter and asked for “a cold coffee drink….ummmm....medium…not ice cubes… something in the blender…not chocolate… I like coffee flavour… I want it cold…and something that tastes good”… remember, delirious from moving…
The man taking my order said, would you like whipped cream on that?
I said “no thank you….ummm actually, ok…. Ummm no. No. I don’t want whipped cream after all thanks”. The guy at the register rang in my order and took my money… He was fine. It was the coffee-maker-guy (or “BARISTA” as I would later be told) that I could see getting a little edgy with my order. I waited patiently enjoying the much appreciated air conditioning, when my drink was finished.
“This one is YOURS” said “THE BARISTA”
“Ok, thanks!” I said. To which he replied folding his hand prayer-like, putting them up to his mouth in complete exasperation and leaning “the weight of the world” aka his elbows on the counter…
“Sir… (big sigh, long, pregnant pause), in future, It would be beneficial to everyone involved (another pause, as if this ‘everyone’ intimated that I had offended the entire world), if you learned how to order a tall-no-whip-frappuchino.
“Are you kidding me????” I lost it and ended up with coupons for many free coffees, vowing never to use them…

But alas, I was to weak to withstand the mega-corp soul sucking establishment. Heck if they could have a store in the “Forbidden City” in Beijing China (I barfed a little in my mouth when I saw that), how was little ol’ me going to resist?

In my defense, I started drinking Starbucks out of pure necessity. It was when I was working at the bookshop – satan’s layer – and I was in teacher’s college, teaching and working 5 days a week…. I needed caffeine to stay awake and Starbucks was right in our store. I learned how to order a tall latte. Then, after being called boring, I learned how to order a tall-vanilla-latte. Then, when that was way too sweet, I learned how to order a tall-half-sweet-vanilla-latte. Then, when my optometrist told me I had obese eyes, (cholesterol deposits), I learned how to order a tall-half-sweet-vanilla-non-fat-latte. Then, when it dropped to sub-zero temperatures outside, I learned how to order a tall-half-sweet-vanilla-non-fat-latte-extra-hot… It embarrasses and pains me to say it, but the extra hot keeps it warm longer when I walk outside in the cold…. The indoctrination was complete and irreversible.  Gateway words...
I am sure that Starbuckese will appear in the OED’s next addition… heck if ‘muggle’ and ‘bootylicious’ are considered words by Oxford, what’s stopping ‘no-whip’, or ‘skinny-latte”?

It has permeated our culture and is a symbol of our times. In my defense, I do go to Tim Horton’s 9 times out of 10 and only go to Starbucks if I want a fancy, frothy, treat and I am nowhere near my fave coffee place in Toronto – Mercury Coffee on Queen East at Logan…mmmmmm – and a local business to boot!

I guess there is no real point to this blog entry. Perhaps I just needed to admit my guilt. Yes, I, at times, enjoy indulging with a Starbucks Latte and have learned to speak their language. Where once I would want to punch someone in the face and call them snob if I head them order a complicated drink at Starbucks, now I just want to punch myself in the face.

All I am saying is that coffee judgment is rampant and classist… whether you are carrying a cup from Tim’s, Starbucks, Mercury, Timothy’s or Second Cup, like it or not, you are being judged on a cultural and socio-economic level. Quick fact: do you know if you cut out your once a day Grande Latte from starbucks at work, (so five a week for 52 weeks) you would save over $1,300 in a year. It is the Starbucks Factor. Coffee is big business, and I would argue, one of driving forces that shape our cultural makeup… is that even possible? I can hardly believe what I am saying… but I think I may be right…